As with my TEN BEST FILMS OF 2003, this list of what I thought were the unmitigated stinkers of 2003 originally saw the light of day my movie column in my employer's bi-weekly newsletter where my reviews first started to see print.  I did not write any full-length reviews of any of these films listed here, which would explain their omission from my REVIEW ARCHIVE.  The list you have before you is an exact facsimile of what was printed in my movie column  and represents the second piece of serious film related writing that I did.


So, without delaying the inevitable, here is my unapologetic look at the most cringe inducing movies that 2003 had to dish out at me, ten films that robbed me of my money and several precious hours of my life that I will surly never, ever get back.  Starting with the worst, with the rest in random order of wretchedness:





This is a prime example of everything that I loathe about the modern Hollywood establishment.  Boy, this film clocked in at an inhuman length of two and a half hours that bends the very definition of self-importance and egotism by all those involved.  In that endurance test of time, we get would be hilarity and action scenes involving the KKK, racism, naked corpses, homophobia...argggh...I could just go on and on.  This is a work of unbelievably poor taste, and is needlessly violent and vulgar, which only helps to reinforce my belief that Michael Bay is the anti-Christ of modern film directors.  Will Smith and Martin Lawrence have never been so obnoxious, loud, crude, and annoying to their fibers.




As witless as it was humorless.  Why Mr. Nicholson?  What would prevail you to be in such a moronic and childish entertainment like this with the likes of Adam Sandler?  A perplexingly bad film that bathes and flourishes in mediocrity.




Yet another dry and tired retread into that intellectually bankrupt wasteland that is known as the disaster picture.  Some examples of this genre have been a considerable amount of fun in the past, but this film is uninspired, silly at it's "core", and unintentionally goofy in all the wrong places.  The great Hilary Swank is all but wasted here.




When I left the theatre after seeing this film I was asked what I thought of it.  I responding that I thought it was either one of the funniest films I have ever seen or one of the worst and most tasteless films I have ever seen.  I just don't know how to respond to this piece of "entertainment."  How could I possibly endorse any film in which idiots parade around for 90 minutes doing everything from putting electrodes on their unmentionables to shoving small toy cars where they definitely should never, ever go.  This film is a definite must-avoid for the squeamish, or for anyone out their that is demanding of a modestly good time at the movies.  A sad portrait of what passes for entertainment in our modern film world.




Oooooooh...yet another stinker on the already woefully tainted film resume of Sylvester Stallone.  This direct-to-video crapfest is advertised as a hard-boiled action flick, but rather parades around as a would-be comedy-action picture.  It was neither funny nor exciting.  C'mon Sly, you're better than this, and the chemistry you have here with Madeline Stowe (horrendously overplaying her role here) is incredibly inert.




You want to know my biggest cinematic pet peeve?  Dumb movies based on dumb video games that are also have equally dumb sequels.  This is a completely unnecessary sequel to the original TOMB RAIDER that was, in itself, not very entertaining that further relishes in the notion that its director - Jan Du Bont - is a one- hit wonder (he's yet to make a film as exciting as the first SPEED).  Angelina Jolie is a fiery, sexy, and charismatic presence on screen if there ever was one, now she just needs to sink her teeth into a film that will do her her assets credit.




Game over indeed.  I pray to the film gods every night that we can be spared from a fourth one of these, as the SPY KIDS series is seriously getting out of hand.  SPY KIDS 3D is a ridiculous attempt at extending a series that wore out its welcome with the first film.  It was also a 90 minute exercise in going to extreme and vile methods to embarrass Sylvester Stallone, if AVENGING ANGELO did not do that already.




Gee, I sure wish I got a big, fat paycheck to see this would-be action sci-fi film.  People lambasted poor old Ben Affleck for what was the criminally and unjustifiably bashed GIGLI in 2003, but this dud s actually worse.  This is a film with a fairly good premise that is completely ruined by the fact that the script is populated by idiotic characters.  Not only that, but what has happened to the once great talent of John Woo, who has not made a good film since FACE/OFF?




Oh boy, no more girl power films, please.  This film represents a disastrous step backwards for the women's movement as a whole.  CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2: FULL THROTTLE, to quote its innocuously annoying and lame title, demonstrates how to waste a $140 million budget on mindless visuals and annoying action scenes that are filmed for viewers that seem to have attention deficit disorder.  As cinematically and intellectually void of any real purpose than anything that has come out in 2003.  McG joins Michael Bay in the "let's film every scene like a pompous music video for the intellectually challenged" manner of directing.




This is the most disappointing film of the year when your consider the great talent involved.  Lawrence Kasdan directed and William Goldman wrote the screenplay based on the Steven King novel.  Nearly unwatchable sci-fi trash.  No wait, it's a literate coming-of-age yarn like STAND BY ME, but with parasitic aliens coming out of areas of the human anatomy that does not deserve the attention that this film gives it.  A festering pile of extraterrestrial doo-doo.






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