A film review by Craig J. Koban June 1, 2012
2012, PG-13, 132 mins.
2012, PG-13, 132 mins.
Alex Hopper: Taylor Kitsch /
Stone Hopper: Alexander Skarsgard /
Cora Raikes: Rihanna /
Samantha: Brooklyn Decker /
Admiral Shane: Liam Neeson /
Cal Zapata: Hamish Linklater
is a summer action film that’s oh-so-feebly based on, uh-huh, the Hasbro
board game of the same name that, in turn, is jam packed with an unholy
amount of ludicrous awfulness. You know the board game I’m talking about; it’s a Naval
strategy game where two players attack each other’s respective fleets
with specifically targeted missile hits based on logic and whole hell of a
lot of pure luck.
based on a board game is not a new development (see 1985‘s CLUE), but
BATTLESHIP is most certainly a cinematic first: it’s the first film
based on a board game that senselessly throws in aliens into the mix along
with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model, a pop singer, and an Irish born
actor who played Rob Roy, Qui-Gon Jinn, Zeus, and Ra’s Al Ghul.
The latter performer appears in such a pathetically limited amount
of screen time that he must have requested in his contract to
have most of his scenes excised from the final cut out of sheer
understand Brooklyn Decker (the model) and Rhianna’s (the singer)
involvement in BATTLESHIP to help get their film careers jump started, but
actors like Liam Neeson appearing in such a ear-splittingly loud,
methodically mindless, and unendingly tedious alien invasion thriller like
this defies explanation – outside of a hearty pay check with many
zeros at the end. BATTLESHIP is an indescribable lovechild of films like
INDEPENDENCE DAY, DAS BOOT,
PEARL HARBOR, TOP GUN, and, yes, THE TRANSFORMERS series that cranks up
the human versus extra-terrestrial battles to 11 on the CGI and explosion
heavy mayhem meter, so much so that, by its finale, you are left less
enthralled and entertained than you are numbed into exhaustion.
Viewers 12-years old and under may be taken in with its eye popping
spectacle, but the rest of us in the adult world will most likely find it
film sets up the notion that NASA – in 2005 – discovered a planet with
conditions very similar to Earth’s when it comes to supporting life.
Thinking that this planet – dubbed Planet G – may have
intelligent beings, scientists launched a powerful signal to it from a
Hawaiian communications satellite that, of course, is actually picked up
by an alien race that begins to launch a galaxy-crossing mission to take
over our planet. In the
meantime, the film spends an agonizing amount of time on introducing us to
human characters that, by the time the aliens do land and wage war, are
the least interesting entities to populate this film.
are two brothers: one is the career minded and disciplined Stone Hooper (Alexander
Skarsgard) and his hot-headed trouble-making brother, Alex (JOHN CARTER’s
Tyler Kitsch). Alex gets into
some serious trouble with the law when he decides to break into a nearby
convenience store and steals a burrito to give to a hot blond woman he
meets at a bar, Samantha (Brooklyn Decker) who's upset that the
establishment’s kitchen closed so early.
Needless to say, Alex is busted, but the resolute Stone decides
that the best thing for his sibling would be to force him into service in
the Navy to teach him some discipline.
Funny, I was thinking some lengthy time in the slammer would be
better for Alex, but never mind.
film flashes forward several years when Alex is a Naval officer and has
had a long, but semi-secretive relationship with Samantha, secretive
because her father is a Navy Admiral (Neeson), and if you’ve seen films
before with hard assed military fathers who can't stomach their
attractive daughters dating societal screw-ups than nothing in this film
will shock you. Before Alex
can ask the stone cold and protective Admiral for permission to marry
Samantha, he takes place in an international peace building exercise of
war games between the U.S. and other nations.
Just when their serene endeavors begin, though, the aliens from
Planet G show up, seal off all of Hawaii and the nearby ocean in an
impenetrable shield, and begin to launch an attack.
Three battleships remain with the shield bubble with the alien
crafts. Hmmm….I wonder if
Alex will become the defacto leader of one of them, take control of the
situation, and save the planet?
is kind of inanely stupid as far as alien invasion films go.
The E.T.s in question are generic humanoid looking CGI monsters
that are never developed at all beyond the point of wanting to invade and
destroy the Earth. Their
motives and end game are never established.
Never. Not a once. Yet, the film establishes some shocking and
regarding them: they are able, for example, to travel across the universe
to a planet relatively close to the sun, yet it’s revealed that sunlight
is their kryptonite. Uh…okay.
ocean-spanning shield that they erect cannot be breached with any know
human-made weapon, but their ships are vulnerable to missiles and bullets,
which begs the question as to why the aliens do not just shield their
ships like the do the ocean. Also,
if their home world of Planet G is nearly identical to Earth, then why
travel across the galaxy to invade another planet just like it, especially
considering that Earth's depleting ozone layer that allows in dangerous
solar radiation can kill the creatures on contact?
I give up.
The film has other cringe-inducingly silly ingredients, like how Samantha is a physical therapist working with a legless Army vet that will unavoidably lead to the crippled war hero being a triumphant hero versus the aliens later on. BATTLESHIPS’ jingoistic overzealousness is about as subtle as a kick to the groin, not just with the physically impaired vet, but also when it comes to the way it preposterously exploits elderly veterans of other past great wars. There is a moment when Alex and the survivors need to commandeer a new battleship, which just happens to be a 70-year-old one that now serves as a tourist destination. Nearby Naval veterans – who look like they should be in long-term care homes – recruit themselves back into service and help Alex’s team get their ol’ ship back into action. The film gives them an obligatory slow-motion shot of them valiantly walking to the bridge and meeting a new call of duty. This moment was less inspiring than it was unintentionally hysterical.
How the hell is BATTLESHIP directed by the talented Peter Berg, who previously made great films like THE KINGDOM and FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS? If his mission was to completely sell-out his skills and pride and devolve himself into mimicking the worst habits of Michael Bay - cornball melodrama, terrible dialogue speeches, dumb-downed characters, assaultive editorial overkill, ocular traumatizing action and visual effects, and one-note flag waving patriotism – then mission accomplished. Few filmmakers with Berg’s proven pedigree have ever aimed lower than he has here. In the end, BATTLESHIP wholeheartedly disserves its comparisons to TRANSFORMERS (also based on a Hasbro property). Both films render humans, story, plot, etc. as meaningless blips on their radars and both methodically grind you into a self-loathing fetel position with their nonsensically bombastic noise and ostentatious images. BATTLESHIP is simply dead in the water.