A film review by Craig J. Koban



zero stars

2005, R, 75 mins.

Deuce Bigalow: Rob Schneider / T.J. Hicks: Eddie Griffin / Det. Gaspar: Jeroen Krabbe / Heinz Hummer: Til Schweiger / Greta: Dana Min Goodman

Directed by Mike Bigelow /  Written by Harris Goldberg, Rob Schneider, David Garrett and Jason Ward

Since DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO hurtles by at us at the extremely merciful running time of 75 minutes, I will do all of you readers a favor and make this review of the film equally sparse.

However, before I look at this new comedy by Rob Schneider through the appropriate critical lenses, Iíd like to talk to you about lifeís most precious commodity.

Yes, friendsÖI mean to speak of time.

Is there anything more valuable?  Is there anything else that leads many of us to incessantly complain that we donít have enough when we want it?  Is there anything else that goes by with such speed that we often canít keep out heads above water?  Is there anything else that we Ė with all due respect Ė need in more substantial mass quantities on a daily basis?

I defy anyone to give me an alternative answer.

Consider, if you will, a day in my life as it correlates to time.

As you may or may not know, I am not a professional critic.  I run Craiger's Cinema Corner and view all of the hundreds of films I have reviewed on my own time and dollar.  I work five days a week, 40 hours-plus per week as a local retail store department manager (name of business withheld) which occupies a great deal of my time.

So, letís take a quick look at a one typical workweek for me.

The average week runs 168 hours.  Out of which I work 40 hours of it.  Factor in a minimum of one hour each morning to get up, get ready, and drive myself to work.  Factor in an extra hour in the dead of the Saskatchewan winter, which - for those of you who know what I am talking about -  are fierce and brutally uncompromising.

Okay, so I get to work and put in my 8 hours.  Factor in an extra half hour or hour (again, depends on the time if year) to get home.  I usually believe that I deserve some sort of time to myself to make a decent meal for all of the hard work I put it during the day.  Factor in another half hour to an hour.

Now, as with all hard-working people, I deserve a great nightís sleep.  I'd  say that for a man thatís 20-10, I need at least 6 Ĺ to 7 hours per night.  That works out to about 50 hours out of my weekís 168.  DangÖ.thatís a lot.  Yet, itís completely necessary.  Sleep is good.  Sleep is nice.  Sleep makes me play and work harder.

Now, to run this site I try to see around 2 to 3 films per week.  Factor in another 6 hours.  Now, it takes me roughly two hours to research, write, edit, proof-read, and finally format and publish reviews to my site.  So, factor in another 6 hours.  If I consider other miscellaneous things that I do with my sites (email newsletter, formatting new content, etc), I would factor in yet another 2 hours per week.

So, where does this all leave me?  Letís do a running tally:

Numbers of hours per week: 168

Hours at work: 40

Hours getting to work: 5

Hours getting home: 5

Hours for supper:  7

Hours for film viewing: 6

Hours writing/preparing reviews: 6

Hours on misc. site prep work: 2

Hours sleeping: 50

Okay, that leaves me with approximately 47 hours left in the week.  Geez, thatís not a lot, when you think of it.  Just think of all of the things that I could do with that free time that I have allocated to myself?  Whoops, I almost forgot about this reviewÖ.started to drift there.  Sorry readers.

As for DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO?  Hereís my succinct, sincere, and analytical two cents:

This film is a unabashed, unmitigated, and festering piece of shit.  It robbed me of 75 precious minutes of lifeís most valuable commodity.

  H O M E