THE LAST KNIGHT ½
2017, PG-13, 148 mins.
Mark Wahlberg as Cade / Gemma Chan as Quintessa / Jerrod Carmichael as Jimmy / Laura Haddock as Vivian Wembley / Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime (voice) / Frank Welker as Galvatron / Megatron (voice) / John Goodman as Hound (voice) / Ken Watanabe as Drift (voice) / John DiMaggio as Crosshairs (voice) / Jess Harnell as Barricade (Voice) / Josh Duhamel as Colonel Lennox / Anthony Hopkins as Sir Edmund Burton / Santiago Cabrera as Santos / John Turturro as Agents Simmons / Tony Hale as JPL Engineer
Directed by Michael Bay / Written by Art Marcum and Ken Nolan
Once again I had to suffer through yet another nonsensically plotted, horrendously overproduced, and self indulgently long TRANSFORMERS sequel.
As I left the
cinema in stupefied silence and consumed with feelings of absolute
worthlessness and emptiness, I tried to ponder the mindsets of the
creative forces behind this creatively bankrupt endeavor.
On my car ride home from the cinema I imagined what a pitch meeting
for TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT would have been like for director
Michael Bay and Executive Producer Steven Spielberg.
Just...imagine...if you would...
S-Spiel, my main man! Guess
what I got cooked up again!
Oh no. Come on, Mike.
Please don't tell me you wanna make another Transformers film?
Ding-ding-ding! Ladies and
gentlemen, we have a winner!!!
(Sigh) Mike, seriously, have
you not done everything you think you've needed to do with this franchise?
Why don't you retire from it and call it a career.
I will. After this
one. I promise.
Sounds good. But do I
really have to produce this? I've
brandied my good name on the billboards for the last four and really don't
need the money...or the unwanted negative attention.
Stevie, do I really need to remind you what a bomb THE
BFG was? You could use another box office smash.
Okay. Good point.
AWESOME! Okay, so this
next TRANSFORMERS is gonna be called THE LAST KNIGHT.
on. I'm listening.
Woot! Okay, so I'm
going to open this one in England at around the Dark Ages with King Arthur
I know. I
know...incredible, right? Anyhoo',
the film opens with King Arthur and Merlin...but Merlin will be played
kind of as an old effeminate coot...and drunk as fuck..
Not gay, though. Well,
gay. But mostly drunk.
It'll be hysterical.
Spielberg: I....er....well...I'm not sure...and can we...maybe stop...with the gay and racial humor in this one....
Wait for it, Stevie. You're
getting ahead of yourself. You know how I love explosions and mayhem?
Yup. No doubts from me
The film will literally open with explosions and knight on knight mayhem
It'll be epic. Then
I'll reveal that the Transformers have been on Earth since then and have
actually been helping out Merlin and the knights.
One hidden Transformer - hidden in...um...a mountain - will give
Merlin a special staff that will help them beat a Transformer dragon.
Okay. Cool the jets a
bit, Mike. I'm confused.
How does this coalesce with the previous established mythology?
It sounds like you're making it up as you go.
Stevie, when have you ever known me to be a filmmaker with a plan? I shoot this shit by the seat of my pants.
Good point. Okay, go
Nice! So we
flashforward thousands of years to the present and just after the events of
the last film. The world is an apocalyptic wasteland. Well, not really apocalyptic...but kinda-sorta apocalyptic.
Cities have been laid to waste by Transformers as the war
between the Autobots and Decepticons have leveled the planet...but not too
much. But more or
less...everyone seems to live normal lives...
But...how...in the midst of the devastation?
I dunno. I'll limit
the devastation to...say...baseball stadiums and a few streets...but
everywhere else will be...well...liveable.
That sounds...I dunno...not really plausible...
Bay: I know. It's improbably sa-weet!!! We'll then re-introduce Marky Mark at this stage.
You mean Mark Wahlberg?
Yeah...Marky Mark. Anyhoo',
he's in hiding because of his allegiance to the Autobots...mostly because
the nations of the world hunt Transformers.
Wait...where's his daughter?
I dunno. College
maybe? She's not coming back. I want a new babe in this.
Wait...colleges still run during this apocalypse?
Just not baseball stadiums.
I don't understand.
You will. It gets way
better! Marky Mark lives in a
junkyard with those two Transformers - the one that's kinda Southern, smokes a
cigar, likes guns and is all militarized and the other is Japanese and
Why would alien robots talk like Southerners and Japanese people?
Haven't we covered this before?
I dunno. It looks
Sorry to cut you off. Where's
Optimus Prime during this?
Shit. Forgot about
him. Ummmmm...he's struck on
his home world of Cybertron...annnnnd....ummmmm....is captured by an evil
queen robot that puts a spell on him....to....uh....destroy the Autobots
and Earth. Yeah...yeah...that's the
That sounds horribly made up.
I'm just getting started, Stevie!
So anyhoo', Marky Mark and his funky robot bunch find a secret
Arthurian talisman that holds the key to finding that staff thingy that
Merlin had all of those years ago. That's
the key to everything.
Wait...how does he come to learn all of this?
Ohhhhhhh....this is the best part!
Hannibal Lecter tells him!!!
I got Hannibal Lecter to be in the film!!!
I know...I know...it's totally cra-cray.
You mean Sir Anthony Hopkins...
Anyhoo', Hannibal Lecter plays a member of this secret society that
has been monitoring Transformer activity and artifacts for thousands of
Wait...he's been monitoring the robots and artifacts for thousands
of years or he's part of a society that's been doing just that?
I see what you're doing, Stevie.
You're trying to trick me. Ain't
happening. The society,
silly. Anyhoo', he gives
Marky Mark and his funky robot bunch the info needed to recover the
staff. Oh...oh...and he's gonna need a butler. Maybe a robot. Kinda
like C3P0...but way less gay. Maybe he can be voiced by someone from
Oh....oh...and Hannibal Lecter also gives Marky Mark and his funky
robot bunch a smokin' hot babe as his sidekick.
(Sigh) Mike, you really have
to stop sexually objectifying women in your films.
I mean, you literally had a your camera fixated on Wahlberg's
character's teenage daughter in the last one...which was extremely unsavory....so...
Yeah...that was so bloody hot. But...wait...don't
worry, Stevie...this babe will be hot...but she'll also be uber smart.
She'll be an Oxford graduated Professor of History...
Oh...that sounds like a positive step in the right direction...
I know...I know...and when she meets Marky Mark for the first time
she'll been in a super tight black dress that I'll film from behind so we
can see her...behind. Ha!
get it? And I'll
make sure that her dress is very low cut so we can fixate on her
cleavage. My peeps are gonna drool over her!
Here we go again....
Bay: Gets better! I'll even give Marky Mark another sidekick that's a young teenager...maybe-14-15-years-old...and she'll be an orphan. Maybe I'll try to give her some cleavage hugging outfits as well...that could work...
talking about a 14-15-year-old girl...
Stevie. My teenage boy
peeps will love it!
Oh....oh....I know how you love wars,
especially World War II...
You won an Oscar for directing a war movie.
I'm gonna thrown in a flashback that shows Transformers fighting
Nazis. See...the Transformers
secretly killed Hitler...
Yeah...I know...so bloody cool.
Do you think Germany will let me shoot there and plaster swastikas
wouldn't mind, would they? Anyhoo'...I'm
getting ahead of myself. Let's
talk about the ending.
I want it to be at least an hour long...contain nothing but action
and things going boom...and have a lot of people running and
screaming...Prime will come back...kind of like Han Solo...and turn back
to the good side and help the heroes...
Wait...what and/or who are the heroes fighting?
Oh yeah...ummmm...that evil queen robot has invaded and sends
planet Cybertron to land on Earth...
Wait...how is that even possible, Mike?
You can't land another planet on Earth.
That would cause massive tidal waves and tectonic plate shifting,
unfathomably large craters that would send debris into our atmosphere
and block out the sun...and everything on the planet would essentially be
No...No....the queen just lands some of the planet's arms on Earth.
It's gonna look amazing. Plus...I'm
gonna throw in nuclear submarines and Stonehenge into the mix as
probably have to kill off Hannibal Lecter during it, but not his robot butler.
The C3P0-like one I was talking about earlier...but less gay...but still
This is getting way, way...out of hand...
Bay: And I'm gonna shoot this ending - as well as the rest of the film - with alternating aspect ratios! Some will be in IMAX, some won't...and I'll jump cut between aspect ratios so fast it'll make people dizzy with excitement!
Spielberg: That sounds positively fatiguing on a visual level...
Annnnnd Marky Mark will be revealed as a...as a...chosen one kind of
thingy that can be the only one to save everyone's bacon.
Sorry Mike...I'm hopelessly lost.
Don't worry. I'll take
my time with the climax. I'm
going to make it at least an hour long.
An...hour?! Mike, the last
TRANSFORMERS film was nearly three hours.
That was punishing. Can
we trim this one down a tad...actually...a lot?
You know what...you're right.
Absolutely, we can. I'm
gonna make this one way, way shorter.
(Looks above): Thank God.
I'm sure I can edit this sucker down to...say...around two and a
Okay...okay...how about 148 minutes?
That's...still...two and a half hours long....
Annnnnnd it's gonna be an epic two and a half hours.
And it's gonna be my swan song from the series.
That's right...you said at the beginning that this is you're last
TRANSFORMERS film!!! I
remember that part. You did
Then again...who am I kidding.
I'll probably be back for a sixth.
Maybe I'll team up Marky Mark and his funky robot bunch with God in
the sixth? Throw some angels
in there too. But hot babe
angels. With massive
Can I leave now? Are
Come on, Stevie. You
know you're gonna produce this fifth one.
You haven't had a box office smash as a director in nearly ten
Spielberg: (Sigh) Good point.
Watch me talk about this film on my annual
BEST/WORST of 2017 Midterm Report Card CTV Segment: